


Mind Killer

by Josselin



Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-08
Updated: 2014-02-08
Packaged: 2018-01-11 13:59:45
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 798
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1173905
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Josselin/pseuds/Josselin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>He said the same words to some asshole straight guy right before kicking him in the nuts.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Mind Killer

**Author's Note:**

> I actually might write another scene to this, but I wanted to get what I do have written out before the new ep tomorrow, because it's set in a vague S4 sort of place and my thoughts on all of it might change with new canon! :)
> 
> Dedication: This one's for [](http://gradiva.livejournal.com/profile)[**gradiva**](http://gradiva.livejournal.com/). I have no idea--absolutely no idea--if she'll like it or not, but it's for her because it's different from what I usually do. At least sort of. It might have seemed more different in my head than it ended up being, but I was trying, honest.  
>  Thanks to: Brandi for help with _Dune_ details, [](http://wrenlet.livejournal.com/profile)[**wrenlet**](http://wrenlet.livejournal.com/) and [](http://seperis.livejournal.com/profile)[](http://seperis.livejournal.com/)**seperis** for beta.  
> 

He said the same words to some asshole straight guy right before kicking him in the nuts.

Then it had been a threat, backed with a fist and a boot, said to get that high from the glimpse of fear in the guy's eyes, that moment of dawning understanding.

Cody says the words again now. They’re lying on and sticking to an old wrestling mat, the scent of the mat and their sweat mingling and tugging out memories of the high school locker room. Justin welcomes those memories. Those were good memories, some of them, when he punched Hobbes and spat blood in his face. When he fought back.

"You ever wonder what'd feel like to have a fist up your ass?"

Justin can't help the reflexive glance at Cody's hand, fingers clenched together, wrist wrapped, knuckles reddened and callused from punching bags and skin and that one brick wall when things hadn't gone the way he liked. He can't help the fear, either, the way it flashes inside of him suddenly, as fast as the image of that guy in the sling at the Sap's party appears and is shoved away by sheer willpower.

Cody made him read _Dune_ this week, to teach him that "Fear is the mind killer," and unlike a kid and a slave on a raft, Justin could relate to this, because he knows fear, he knows panic so strong it does kill your mind, he knows holding your hand inside the box. He knows pain. So he pushes the fear away, and pulls up a Brian-like grin, and says, "What makes you think I don't know?"

He doesn't know. There was one time--another time with a sling, in Ted's porn studio, before Ted went to 24-hour-broadcasting, when Brian had dragged him in there after hours with a gleam in his eye. Brian had wanted to put him in the sling, and Brian didn't know about the Sap's party, and Brian could be pretty damn persuasive when his hands were touching skin. The way Justin’s heart had been pounding extra fast, the fear that tinged leaning back in the sling and letting it catch him--letting Brian catch him--had been hot. Brian had taught him that, that fear was what made it hot.

But when Brian suggested a blindfold, he shouted, unable to face the idea of not being able to see that this was still Brian with him, know that he trusted the footsteps echoing in the empty studio. When Brian slid in a fourth finger Justin could feel his heart skip again, and he'd been thinking about things he hadn't wanted to think about, and so he said, "Fuck me, Brian, fuck me, fuck me now," until Brian did, and the moment had passed.

This moment doesn't pass. Cody manages an athletic roll that takes him off his back to straddling Justin's hips and pinning his hands in one fluid movement. As Cody leans down closer to his face with a knowing look in his eyes, the fear flashes again, and Justin finds it harder to push away. "You don't know," Cody says confidently. "But I'll show you."

Justin raises his eyebrows defiantly and doesn't waste movements trying to free his wrists. "You gonna do me right now?" he challenges, because he knows Cody can't. There are too many practicalities--the usual encumbrances of clothing plus the added complications of lube and gloves and shit that always seemed to make sex less hot. When sex got tangled up in preparations and clean up and mature discussion and wasn't about the impulse and the fear and the heat, then it wasn't good, and Justin uses that to his advantage now, covering up his fear with the knowledge that the moment here will be lost as soon as Cody gets up.

But Cody surprises him and shakes his head slowly. "Nah," he says dismissively. He gives Justin's face a searching look again. "You're scared."

With that, he stands up, and Justin was wrong, because the moment isn't lost. If anything, it's worse now that Cody is standing over him, and Justin is suddenly aware that Cody could crush his windpipe with a single step. His foot is only six inches away from Justin’s face. "But when you're not afraid," Cody says confidently, "You'll tell me." The _when you're a real man, a real faggot_ challenge doesn't even have to be said, it's so obvious in the tone.

When I’m not afraid, Justin thinks to himself, picturing Paul and the box, and the idea of putting his hand in the box seems ridiculously and pornographically inappropriate right now, but he can't quite manage to laugh, listening to Cody's light footsteps on the other side of the warehouse.

Fear was the mind killer.


End file.
